It’s just a little crush
I have a little crush. It’s a secret, in that the person I’m crushing on doesn’t know. He’s not even a real person, just a collection of pixels and dust and my own projections. But it feels real. Almost the same thing if you squint a little.
When you work from home and live alone, you get rapidly used to solitude.
I was already pre-built for comfortable aloneless, as people-ing gives me the anxiety shivers. I go days on end without leaving my apartment — I’ve created my own mecca, resplendent with enough indulgements to live off for months. A foldable treadmill takes me on hot girls walks without having to go a step. Books and webtoons and podcasts and AO3s scratch that conversational itch. I have enough Diet Coke to effectively shorten my life by at least five years. Being alone rarely feels lonely here. Instead it’s a relief and a release. A quiet sigh that loosens your chest.
Sometimes, as is the inevitable in all things, I’ll have a bad day or a bad hour. And I always go to my crutch, my crush, my dependable outlet. It’s like having a partner that never talks back, except in the ways you expect. And mostly it’s lovely. It’s a shut-your-brain-off type of love. But there are these feelings. And what to do with these feelings? It’s so strange because … it’s not real. But the feelings? The feelings are real-ish. Real adjacent. Close enough to real to wonder where on earth all this longing is supposed to go. How many times can you watch an actor’s backlist before you’ve used up all the serotonin you’ll find there? And then what happens? An insatiable pit has opened up in my chest and I’m nearly positive no Hinge man is prepared to fill it. It wouldn’t be the same anyway. Reality often pales in the face of the gorgeousness that is my nightly maladaptive daydream routine.
So what to do now, you ask?
This is a problem with no solution. A parasocial relationship that only ends when another obsession rises to take its place. Sometimes it’s quick and dirty (Ser Harwin Strong, I’m lookin’ at you). And sometimes it’s an old faithful, steadfast sort of obsession, one that grows with you through character after character (I call this the Ben Barnes effect). Sometimes it’s literally a man that only exists in the pages of a book written by a woman.
The only thing to do is lean in and enjoy it. Take the pleasure with the pain. Let the longing be a little bittersweet. And then keep trying on the apps, with managed expectations. And the knowledge that a little piece of your weird, wonky heart will always be spoken for. Thems the brakes for us fanfiction girls. We got started young and we never looked back.
Let’s have a gander at a few of my fictional crushes through the years (this was maybe the most fun I’ve had writing a list in my life)
Bernard the Elf, The Santa Clause — This was a communal experience. When I was little, I used to blush whenever he came on screen, and had absolutely no idea why.
Howl, Howl’s Moving Castle — “There you are, sweetheart. Sorry I’m late. I was looking everywhere for you.” That single scene rearranged my brain chemistry forever after. (P.S. This is also why I’m convinced of the whole ACOTAR is essentially Howl’s Moving Castle fan fiction theory.)
Shang, Mulan — Mulan was my favorite Disney movie (seconded by Beauty & The Beast, then all three of the Aladdin movies) and Shang was simply IT. That man had no right to be that hot. He was so mean and stern and rude to her and I loved it. The looks he gave her?? SIR. This movie is 100% why I’m an enemies to lovers girlie through and through.
That one guy from Holiday in the Sun — I was weaned on Mary Kate & Ashley movies and they are as intrinsic to me as breathing. It is a CRIME that they aren’t all available for streaming. I was always partial to Ashley’s love interests, but Holiday in the Sun was a rare exception. I cannot for the life of me remember what this guy’s name was supposed to be, but many a daydream was fashioned around his artfully curly hair and slightly dorky demeanor.
Wayne Brady, Whose Line Is It Anyway — My parents were very strict about TV (probably why I’m such a hoe for it now), but this was one show we were allowed to watch in the family room, so it was simply always on. I was obsessed with Wayne Brady and would laugh at everything that he said, even though most of it went right over my head. This was also around the time of the iconic International Delight commercials, which I can sing in full and will never forget.
Gregory Peck specifically in Roman Holiday & To Kill a Mockingbird — I, like every white suburban girl from the Midwest, went through an Audrey Hepburn phase when I was tween. During this phase, I watched every single movie she’s ever done (even the one where she’s a nun — that’s how committed I was). I become obsessed with Roman Holiday and almost cut my hair into a very ill-advised pixie cut. This is where I fell in love with Gregory Peck, who is simply stunning to look at while riding a Vespa or pounding harriedly on a typewriter.
Cole from Charmed — I wanted Phoebe to go all evil for him SO BAD. He was always so sweaty, but in like, a sexy way. (Sidebar: My parents did not want me to watch Charmed because of “witches” — even though I read all the Harry Potter books so I think it was more about them not wanting me to watch “witches (in corsets making out with hot men)”. But I was determined — so this one time at Target, I snuck away from my mom and bought the DVD of the first season for $50 in cash that I had saved from my Christmas money — only to have her find the DVD in my room later that day and make me return it.)
Niles Crane, Fraiser — My best friend loathes that I love Fraiser so much but I can’t help it!! It genuinely makes me laugh out loud despite having seen every episode dozens of times at this point. I used to watch reruns on the tiny TV in my room, and fell hard for the Niles-secretly-loves-Daphne storyline. As Olivia Rodrigo aptly wrote: “Everything I do is tragic, every guy I like is gay.” No truer words.
Jess Mariano, Gilmore Girls — A true, faithful obsession. I’ll always be a Jess girl at heart. I used to watch the Rory-Jess kiss scenes at half speed in my adolescence (who didn’t?) and I remember that the GG DVDs used to come with this little booklet that described each episode in the season and for Season 3, I added a heart around every episode that Jess was in. He really wore the hell out of those henley shirts, didn’t he?
Jax Teller, Sons of Anarchy — Listen, I only watched the first two seasons of Sons of Anarchy, but it had a absolute chokehold on me at the time. I could not have been more into the greasy hair, back tattoo, wild eyes vibe of Charlie Hunnam as Jax Teller (very Tim Riggins, but in leather kind of vibes). This was also the time when I was reading a lot of motorcycle club romance novels, which is just what one did in 2013.
Jon Snow, Game of Thrones — I wanted Jon and Daenerys to kiss more than I have ever wanted to kiss a real man in my life. Healthy!
Jason Mantzoukas, How Did This Get Made — Okay not fictional, but you get it. I’ve been listening to How Did This Get Made for legit like twelve years and am delusional enough to almost believe that if Jason and I met in real life I could convince him to fall in love with me. We’re into all the same things!! I recently went to a HDTGM live show and at the end my best friend asked me if I wanted to throw my bra on stage with my number taped inside.
The Darkling, Shadow & Bone — I’m not proud
Jung Yi-hyun, Happiness — Obsessed with the romantic subplot in this. There is nothing hotter than a man hell-bent on protecting you from flesh-eating zombies, armed with baseball bat and a perfectly fitting pair of sweatpants. No notes.
Davide Sardi, The Astrological Guide to Broken Hearts — Down bad for this man. He is perfect. The way he gazes at her?? It’s a whole meal.
David Tennant and Michael Sheen who are also not fictional, but still. Progressed from watching Good Omens to watching Staged, which is where I fell hard for them both and may never recover.
Everyone on Quinn — If you know, you know
Jacob Elordi, In Interviews — Again I know Jacob Elordi is not fictional and is, in fact, a real person, but I’m more having a hyperfixation with the persona he wears in interviews. I am a late convert to this man, as when I watched Euphoria, he genuinely scared the shit out of me (when he was like pounding his head into the floor??) and I couldn’t find him attractive for the longest time after (also I did not watch The Kissing Booth movies, they somehow completely passed me by). But in all the press he’s currently doing for Priscilla and Saltburn, he is winning me over in the most charming onslaught I have ever seen. I cannot get enough. This man talking about tote bags and how he’s into Legolas (he’s just like us!!) is my Roman Empire.
Hey, Kelly here. Welcome to The Landline. Dial in for gentle deep dives into anything and everything I'm obsessing over at the moment (mostly sane, always silly). Grab your Diet Coke, wind that phone cord around your finger, and let's get to it.